fear is setting in

My anxiety has been really high since I got teh appoinmtment for the kidney docs but now it is kind of starting to get to the point of panic attacks. I have been doing everything possible to keep it under control but it is not going so well right now.I do relaxation and visuaalization and deep breathing along with the midication but it is still happening. I feel like I am losing the battle. I can report that until this most resent information on the kidney doctor I have not had a panic attack in a year. lately it has been hard to sleep. I am soafraid that it is going to be bad news no not horrible but not good either. I know that hings can always be worse but this is just so hard for me. I have tried to talk to mom about my feelings and she just says oh well its probably nothing. I dont think that is the case because when it was happening before when i was younger I had multiple trips and blood work from kidney docs and they said i should continue to be followed but i was so afraid of them after so long that we just stopped scheduling the appointments. I think at the time that was the apropriate thng to do but now i am really scared. I honestly feel that I am alone in this. I have had family members with kidney issues but they have both passed now so no one that i am around really knows what it feels like to be faced with this possibility. I just want everything to be over so I know what i am facing and what the nect step is for me the waiting is the worst thing especially durring the holidays it made it tough for me to enjoy the holidays but i did because i keep looking back right now and i am thinkful for every moment i can enjoy with my family because this has just made me stop and thimk that one never knows what tomorrow holds and that is an incredibly scarry feeling but it also makes me realize that being thankful is vry important
My oods have been fluctuating alot lately I try to be happy and I am for a bit than when no one is around I am crying or I am cranky and I can not help it. i know it is from the stress of this whole situation I am not dealing with it so well but I am trying really hard. fear is such a horrible emotion. I am not afraid of the doctors appointment itself It will more than likely all come back to me it is just the possibilities of the results that scare the crap out of me and i can not help but be afraid most people who are 25 are not bluntly told by their Primary doctor that their kidneys could be damaged and or failing. I like the fact that she is honest with me because I know what the possibilities are so it is not such a shok when i hear them but it is still scarry.
I had a good day today. i got to go and get my new winter boots and a few other things that mom said i could get as the rest of my christmas. I got CDR's so I can burn my own CDS and a new backpack. It is not much but thts waht i wanted and now my feet will not get wet wehn i have to rescue the dogs from the tree.