Billy Ray Cyrus ft Miley Cyrus-Ready Set Don't Go-HQ Duet

this is a song that really relates to the spot that I am in with my life right nwo. I am ready for change right now but others are not willing to accept that. I am waiting for their acceptance and willing ness to try and let me go. I love this somng by Miley and Billy Raye

appointment with Reproductive endocrinologist went well

so glad for that. there was very little talk on the topic of pregnancy which i was surprise because last tiem there was alot of it. i told them that i was basically in the same place as a year ago and not ready to have children yet and they were good with that we discussed treatment options for my prolactin levels because i have been having some symptoms but they are not bothersome enough for me to want to have to take yet anotehr medication every day so we left it at that and he is sending blood to recheck it and then i will be set again until next year. the good thing is that if my levels remain boarderline high like they have been or normal my GYN can monitor them rather than having to go to his office once a year so that was a good thought for me one less doc is always good even though he is a nice guy lol

hacing another tough day today

I have an appointment with my RE reproductive endocrinologist tomorrow morning and Im not really wanting to go at all. Last year when i went it was if you want to get pregnant before next year give me a call and we will start medication because of a few issues one being prolactin levels that are high to boarderline high owere at last check and the other complex part of my fertility is of course the endometriosis.
This is a really difficult subject for me because i am still so unsure what my next step in life isI love kids and want god to bless me with a million if it is meant to be just kidding not that many one or two is good ha ha but yet I know that being in the place in life tha I am now it is not the right time. there are alot of contributing factors to it not being the appropriate time for me but you know i feel kind of lost I always knew that I would most likely be the last to have a child but my sisters have both had theirs now for two and four years. I kind of want mine to fit into the age niche but yet i know i am not ready.
When I went to my GYn or a GYN that works in the same place as mine for an emergency pain management visit she was like you dont have kids and it doesnt sound like you ever want them thas not true yes I have many days where i wonder how I would do it but If I were given the blessing I would do everything a parent should do for a child. i dont know I am just finally starting to reach this point in my life that even with my wonderful family i feel empty and alone have no idea if this normally happens or not but hey this is how I feel today and i just dont want to face this appointment at all with the news I have already gotten about possible kidney problems this year its just all becoming to much

another appointment over with

I was hoping this year would be much easier than last with appointments and issues but so far no such luck. at the end of last year I only had 2 appointments scheduled for 2011 now my mind is over flowing with dates and times. I really dont know how much more of this I can take. i am so frustrated and I just want a break from doctorswhich is not going to happen until march unless something else comes along than it will be later than march. hoping everything looks good with the ultrasound and they didnt say much so I guess nothing huge is wrong thats good. i just feel like curling into a ball and leaving the real life for a few weeks just to get a break from it all. I just really feell like I am a labe experiement that is being polked and proded. Sometimes i just sit and debate if the appointments are really worth it and neededugh I know that there are others out there who have it worse than I do with things but man a break would certainly be a good thing and I mean for more than a month lol. My wish on new years was to go for more than three months without an appointment that has yet to happen so I may still be able to do that but no time soon well im going to go snuggle with my niece and have a nap which i really need.

happy Thursdaay for me today

I had a verry happy Thursday today My regular counsoler is back after four or five weeks of being ill. thankfully she is better now and we are back to our normal routine. I dont really know if this is suposed to be how things like this work but i didnt realize how much i missed her until I finally saw her today. I have always been told you are not suposed to miss health care workers or people in teh field but I think this is different three years of seeing her once a week i believ it constitutes being able to miss her.
Any how yesterday was a tough day for me i spent most of it on the couch in pain yet another cycle of agony for me but i got through it and I am doing good now. I rested from nine yesterday morning till three in the afternoon and then finally was able to get up some and then was back in bed bu ten thirty. I also got some more appointment news yesterday my ultrasound is this comming monday the 34th and thankfully it shou,d not be painful unless of course they decide they need to see between my ribs which then poses an interesting feeling of tickling and some pain but i will get through it and a good day for me over all now im cleaning up around the house a bit and staying wuiet as much as i can again today cause tomorrows gonna be a busy day i have the little man again.

long day today

Its kind of funny to say that because ive been sleeping most of it because my stomach and pelvis are hurting really badly. i had my niece all week accept for today and then also had my nephew yesterday and a lil while today so i have been very active and it is getting me now. i am really sad because i miss the days where i could get up and be on the go all day long. i cant do that anymore right now i may be able to some day but its just not seeming that way. I told mom the other day that the elmiron was not really helping and she was like i think its helping you can get out of bed now. It was the IC and endo in combination that wee keeping me in bed the enod is good for now but will be showing its evil head again soon but i guess that is just how it has to be for a while longer and each day that passes is one less that i have to go back and go through all over again. I want to feel good again and i feel that it is possible with the right medication combo so lets hope the OB will work on it with me when i go in februarygoing to go and rest again I feel like a couch potato lately especially today

love the snow not

I am not going to be able to go to my appointment today because of the snow my aunt does not like driving her truck in it so yeah they are going to be so happt when i call them with four hours notice dont they love that

this is definately gonna be a long month

Well I got through one stressful event this month. I have another docs appointment tomorrow. This one should be much easier though. i am seeing my gastro tomorrow for lets hope the final follow up for a while. I am so tired of doctors and stuff. It is taking its toll on me. I am not sure how much more i cn go through. I was hopint htis year would be more mellow and easier on appointments but it doesnt seem to be getting that way. I still have one more on the 28th of this month with my endocrineologist and then one in february with my OB then yes march with DR taylor the kidney guy. Ask me how I keep track of them all and i honestly can not answer that for you. I have a memory full of dates and then write them down and hope they are right later on. i am not really too anxious on this one but just tired of being polked a proded at

glad today is over

I am glad today is over the kidney specialist went good this time around. he is sending urine for further testing and scheduling an ultrasound on my kidneys to make sure they liik ok. He asked if i had ever had a kidney biopsy and i got a little aprehensive I dont want anything invasinve for a while i am really having a hard time dealing with all doctors appointments again.
he agreed and told me that he would not do anything invasive right now because he dies not see the need to. I am so happy with that news. i have another appontment with him in march because he says he may want to put me on a different blood pressure medication to control blood pressure and also to protect my kidneys. we shall see. I guess most of the diciding factors are lying on the results to the testing of my blood and urine. he said that it was reassuring because my kidney function was normal on last check thank you lord for that.

feeling quite a bit better with my anxiety

I am slowly refiguring out how to control my anxiety. i have not had a major trigger in a long time and this appointment is a big one. My usual counsoler is still out but thankfully o have had a very nice lady who stepped up in my time of need. I really apreciate that so much. I am ready to face my appointment and use the tools that have been given to me to over come this major fear. ask me if i was ready a week ago nope no way i am still afraid dont get me wrong but i am coping better with it.
Now on to the interesting stuff here lol i took the puppies outside this morning before my appointment to play in the snow they had so much fun. made me smile to see them romp and play together. I had to put on my boots and snow suit to watch them because jeter was on the loose and jake was hooked so i had to be out there. it has been a long time since i have gone out in the snow may take them back out again after I take a short nap. I need one since i did not sleep well last night.
Oh yeah also the fun part of the whole doctors visit has started as of seven this morning. 24 hour urine collection which is not an easy thing for me to do but so far so good. It is such an awkward feeling to know that I cant pee in the toilet. Cant wait till the AM tomorrow things will be back to normal with my pee meaning it will go into the rightful resting place the toilet lol

I Could...If They Would By Billy Gilman

this is a song we can all relate to. My conditions are not fatal and thankfully they will not take my life but i can still relate so much to this song.
I can relate with my CP because it has aken somethings from me like i can not drive a car kind of ironic that they included that in there. With my endometriosis and iC If they would find a cure for those I would be able to live with out pain. I know that most of this will not happen in my lifetimebut I will know that I have been a part of the effort to find cures or helpful medical treatments for some conditions out there.
I may not like living with all of my medical conditions but I have been thinking that everything that I go through makes me stronger and I hope that the more I am given to deal with that it is taken from another one of god's younger angels so that they can have a healthy happy life.
My life is healthy and happy for the most part but it makes me fel better to think that me having to deal with so much may be helping another person. To all of my special friends out there with CP or IC or endometiosis even though I met most of you on the internet you are near and dear to my heart yes that means Sheila and Malayna sending you a huge cyber hug

didnt think my anciety could get much worse but it is

My appointment did help the other day but i am still very anxious. I have been sleeping a little better though since friday that is a relief. i just really neeed this over with and then i will start to feel better. I talked about things to somone on friday ut not my usual counsoler because she has been out for a while hoping she gets back sooon miss seeing her.
i thold her about my first trip to the kidney specialist and that I remember being told that I was a good candidate for dyalysis and she was like no wonder you have anxiety about going. She then thought maybe some different meds combined with my already existing antidepressant may be helpful. I have strongly thought this over and decided that meds are not the answer for this. I need to face my fears without medication. If I still have as much anxiety if I require another trip than meds it will be for sure cause I can not do this again. I am however handleing things alittle better but just still really emotional. So many have said dont worry but seriously if they were in my shoes you tell me you would not worry. I am trying really hard to think positively and that has helped me overcome some of the major sleeping issues but i am still worried.
i had a pretty busy day today which helped take my mind off of the situation for a bit I watched a friends little girl for a few hours and then came home and have been struggling not to think on this but as you all see its not working so wellfour more days and some of the anciety will be gone then it will just be the anxiety of waiting for the test results

not a good morning at all this morning

I have gone three weeks today without seeing my counsoler because she has been out with ilnees not sure the whole sccop yet so I called and tried to make another appointment with someone and in the process of trying to find a ride to another appointment called someone and this person was like I dont think you should see another counsoler the one you have knows your issues. Well needless to say since they dont know when mine is comming back as of yet hoping soon I think I do need an appointment so i made one and found someone who did not tell me i did not need another counsoler thank you so much my friend . i am not sharing names on this post but the people know who they are if they read this but I dont think they will.
any way i finally decided I had enough of trying to deal with it all on my own and I had a break down of tears on my mom this morning and finally just let everything come out and boy it feels better now. I try not to do this because she has enough stress but sometimes when i try to be too tough that is what happens. I dont know why but sometimes i find it so much easier to talk to my counsoler than my parents I think it is because i am always worried on stressing them more than they already are.
Oh well i made a booboo this morning and got upset but i feel better now and mom was there once again to help me. it is just so hard right now I have never been so afraid in my life as I am right now and no matter who tries to understand they really can not because they are not faced with the kidney issue I am i do apreciate everyones suport but i still just feel so alone. any how happy to report i have my appointment tommorrow and a ride to it yay

here is an updated picture of the boys jake Black and jeter Yellow. My lil men mama to Jake and auntie to Jeter I love u boys

ginger bread cookies

here are the pictures of the ginger bread cookies we make and decorated. They were fun to make and also fun to eat lol they did not stay around long.

fear is setting in

My anxiety has been really high since I got teh appoinmtment for the kidney docs but now it is kind of starting to get to the point of panic attacks. I have been doing everything possible to keep it under control but it is not going so well right now.I do relaxation and visuaalization and deep breathing along with the midication but it is still happening. I feel like I am losing the battle. I can report that until this most resent information on the kidney doctor I have not had a panic attack in a year. lately it has been hard to sleep. I am soafraid that it is going to be bad news no not horrible but not good either. I know that hings can always be worse but this is just so hard for me. I have tried to talk to mom about my feelings and she just says oh well its probably nothing. I dont think that is the case because when it was happening before when i was younger I had multiple trips and blood work from kidney docs and they said i should continue to be followed but i was so afraid of them after so long that we just stopped scheduling the appointments. I think at the time that was the apropriate thng to do but now i am really scared. I honestly feel that I am alone in this. I have had family members with kidney issues but they have both passed now so no one that i am around really knows what it feels like to be faced with this possibility. I just want everything to be over so I know what i am facing and what the nect step is for me the waiting is the worst thing especially durring the holidays it made it tough for me to enjoy the holidays but i did because i keep looking back right now and i am thinkful for every moment i can enjoy with my family because this has just made me stop and thimk that one never knows what tomorrow holds and that is an incredibly scarry feeling but it also makes me realize that being thankful is vry important
My oods have been fluctuating alot lately I try to be happy and I am for a bit than when no one is around I am crying or I am cranky and I can not help it. i know it is from the stress of this whole situation I am not dealing with it so well but I am trying really hard. fear is such a horrible emotion. I am not afraid of the doctors appointment itself It will more than likely all come back to me it is just the possibilities of the results that scare the crap out of me and i can not help but be afraid most people who are 25 are not bluntly told by their Primary doctor that their kidneys could be damaged and or failing. I like the fact that she is honest with me because I know what the possibilities are so it is not such a shok when i hear them but it is still scarry.
I had a good day today. i got to go and get my new winter boots and a few other things that mom said i could get as the rest of my christmas. I got CDR's so I can burn my own CDS and a new backpack. It is not much but thts waht i wanted and now my feet will not get wet wehn i have to rescue the dogs from the tree.