my emotions have been fluctuating alot with the pain lately. I am really struggling through it right now. i have had my cycle now for ten days and it is so miserable for me still. I don't really know how rto discribe the pain so that others can understand but I am going to give it a good try here. It is a burning uncomfortable sometimes neasuating pain that just has not left me for the past ten days despite ibuprophen and tylenol it just keeps comming back. I am conflicted right now because I feel that something different may be of more help but I am reluctant to call because I hate medication. I am tired of the struggle but yet still not quite willing to give in. I dont really know if this makes much sense to anyone but this is what is going on inside of me today. i just want to sleep until this pain is over but yet sleep is so difficult. I feel so much pressure in my belly and burning discomfort because of the lovely endometriosis sometimes i wonder how i get through this every eight weeks. i homestly am finding myself wishing that natural menopause would take place now rather than later because with each passong tiem this occurs it is getting worse again. I just feel lost in pain and discomfort right now and I am trying to find the light at the end of this most recent tunnel. Every two months it is like I have to find my way through yet another never endoing tunnel. And then soemtimes the pain lasts for an aditional week after the end of the bleed so it is still quite unpredictable for me. I guesss it is just something I have to get used to and live with which i will admit is not an easy task. some days even a year after diagnosis i still wake up and find myself thinking no this is not really happening It is a dream.
it is very difficult to think that I may never have the oppertunity to have children. I am not ready for that commitment right now but in the future my body may be so dammaged from endo that I can not have children any way. I am still tryng to accept that as well. it is a very confusing emotional road and i am never really able to forget that I have endometrisosis because each tiem I start to have a good quality of life again the pain is back. I am thankful tha tit is not constant but it is still physically and emotionally draining in so many ways.
every single time I have to go for an appointment it requires preoperation to fimd a ride there which in itself is stressful and then just going tot he appointments is anciety producing because of everything i have been through and then not knowing what the nect step is should things get horrible is really hard. i know that it will not be another surgery unless I get really terrible because I told them no more after the first one unless they are absolutely sure that they can remove somehting to rid me of some of the pain. this is a very difficult conditon to live with. because no matter what they do to try and help it will never go away. Even after menopause if I take hormone replacement It could come back because the lesions require estrogen to grow and that is usually in HRT. thinking of all of this really is bery emotional. i know that I have at least another 20 years to deal with it and i sit and wonder now how am I going to get through each aditional episode of pain. this is going to be a long hard road that I am not sure I am fully ready tofight and that is why i only take things moment by moment when I am in these episodes each day that I am able to push though makes me a stronger person.
i will be completely honest I do have people in my family who call me a baby and a whimp and that does really bother me but then I sit and say you knwo what they dont know how i feel they dont know what this pain feels like and then I get angry because they feel that they can judge me without knowing what it all feels like. Most of the tiem when i am in pain like this i am so tired and fetigued I dont want to move my back hurts my legs hurt basically everything from by belly button down inside my pelvis hurts. well i dont know what more to say besides I wish others could be more understanding but I think maye that may be too much to ask of them
I do want to say thank you to all of the great people out there who support me through my blog and thank you to a very loving understanding mom who is asways there when I need a shoulder to cry on or a joke to make me smile i love you so much mom i dont know what I would do without you you have helped me to get throguh every one of these moments and there are not enough words in the world to help me to say thank you and show you how much I apreciate you well i am going to go lie down and try and sleep not sure how that is going to go sorry for the long post but just needed to get a lil of everything out just kind of happens liek that sometimes i am bery proud of myself too the last tiem i went to the docs was to have my bitamin D levels and the other blood work drawn I have been doing fairly well
I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I don't have anything to offer except a big cyber hug! I'm so glad to hear your Mom is so caring and understanding. I hope Malayna feels the same way about me when she's older.
ReplyDeleteI believe she will. it is very easy when you are in my position to know who really cares and the ones that try to understand verses those who dont do wither. My adhesion is pulling really bad again. there is not much that can be done though because i am not having any further surgeries it was agreed upon by both doctors and myself that they would not go in again unless it was absolutely necessaary so this is what i have to look forward to I guess. I was not expecting the pulling sensation to return already i have bot had it in some time but just goes to show nothing is predictable with endometriosis. that is the hardest part. February just needs to hurry up and get here so i can figure this out sooner rather than later. I was almost hospital bound again but made it thoruhg so happy i di not have to go in.
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