Happy new year

Wishing everyone a happy new year and hoping 2011 brings me some better days 201 will definately not be missed by me its been a long hard year. rining in the new year with more appointments lol

busy week

I have been so busy this week. I have been babysitting all week since it is christmas break and my aunt has been working so I am waiting for a nice relaxing day to come my way soon. tomorrow will be much the same because my nephew will be with me because his dad has some other things to do tomorrow then he will be picked up again. i woke up at four this morning with my parents going to work them was up again by seven thirty for the kidos so tired right now.
well I have been having a really hard time keeping my mind occupied and off of the appointment comming up with the kidney specialist. I told mom that I was really nervous about it and she said not to worry about it because it is probably nothing but guess waht that is not happening because so many medical diagnosis have come my way recently I am afraid once again that it will be something i cant say that it will be nothing until i hear otherwhise from the doctor him or herself
i also had a visit from my bus driver that i had fron eighth grade until 12th grade today. I see her once a yeaar and it is around christmas. It was really nice to see her again i have really missed her alot.

my christmas

I had an awsome christmas this year despite the news i recieved just a few days before on going to the kidney specialist. I dont know if i posted but i go see the specialist on the fourteenth of januaty. but any way i am not going to think on that too much for now. I am going to enjoy my time to the fullest in the time before the appointment. any how back onto christmas I got a few new outfits a pair of new shoes and a few books along with some PJs and a few wii games. it was not nearly what i am used to getting but that is fine I have been telling my parents since my niece was born that I am not little any more i think maybe they finally may have causht on to that one at least in respect to christmas. i know now that christmas is for time with family and to celebrate the birth of jesus it is not all anout recieving it is about giving and recieving and better yet being apreciative of what you do reciebe well that is about all on my christmas now if i were writting on the kids christmas and what they got I could go on forever lol they loved their christmas too it was a great day for all of us

Test resulst in not good news

Well i was getting ready to take a nap earlier and the phone rang and it was My doctor or NP actually calling to tell me the results of my urine testing. here they are, i do not have a urinary tract infection which is good. they next bart of teh convrsation went somethign lik ethis but There was alot of protein in your urine and then she told me that she knew i didnt want the news but that i would be getting a call from maine nephrology sometime early in the new year. i am so scared. I dont want to go through any more medical proceedures I just want a break to be a normal 25 year old women well as normal as i can be with all the already existing medical conditions. i am going to my freidns house tomorrow and spending the night to spend some time with her and the kidos so I am really hoping that will take my mind off of things. i just hope i am able to stay at a low pain level so I can enjoy as much of the time as possible. I am not even really thinking about anything besides day to day. i dont want to know the next step dont want to meet the doctor so guess what i am just going to do my best not to think about it that will not be easy but i hope I am provided with enough distractions over the next three days

dear al of my medical conditions

You all sometimes manage to make life very difficult for me in one way or another. right now my dear endometriosis you are causing me pain in my belly and to my wonderful friend IC i know you are still here vause my bladder burns each and every time i go to the bathroom. My friend of Cerebral palsy I cant forget you either you make it so easy for my sweet and energetic puppy to knock me down. My visual issues you bug me more than you know you take away the most of my independance i cant go anywhere on my own unless of course i walk.And now to teh protien that was in my urine the other day I hope that you are not here for the long term and you just came for a very scarry visit I dont want to end up with kidney issues so if at al possible you can go away please do it very soon. That is one of my christmas wishes that the test results come back as only slightly elevated levels so it can reslove on its own. If that were all I got for christmas I would be so happy honestly no present in teh world is better.
I want to enjoy time with my family and not have to worry about my health. I am not really worried about the other issues as it states above they are just a part of my life that makes it much more of a chalange but this kidney thing is really scarring the crap out of me. I may be odd writting a letter to all of my medical issues but it has made me feel better. I want others to know how this medically complex life affects me so maybe some day others can understand how to offer more help and suport to others in my situation.
I am going to have a great christmas weather or not I have pain discomfort or any other possible bad symptom you medical issues will not succeed at taking my happiness away I may get down sometimes and have to figure out soemthing to bring my spirits up but you can only knock me down for so long and then i will return to fight again with all of my remewed strength you will never keep me down. A letter from the person inside the body that you bug each and every day remember you are a part of me you are not me and you will never take me away i am a fighter and that is how i like it sometimes i wish things were easier but you know what that will not happen so i have to keep my fight alive forever. oh andyes i can say thank you for the one good thing of all of this medical issues. I have met some very caring people and i have become a stronger more understanding peroson because of all of you dreaded medical issues.
You may ask how i have become a more understanding person well first off I know what it feels like to have pain most days of my life so I can understand others when they do not feel well. I know what it is like to be teased so I really know how to follow do onto others as you want done onto you. also another way I have become a stronger person and also avery helpful or i hope a very helpful person is through sharing my story and good and bad tiems with others. Well i hope all of my followers can truly understand this letter to my medical issues and also i hope you all are able to have a merry christmas I know i am going to no matter what i am going to enjoy everything I can and not dwell on the negative of medical issues if i have a down while i will go into my quiet thinking mode and deal with it maybe a few time outs but those are Ok for me and right now to me it dies not matter what others think I need to take care of myself along with making others satisfied and if that means a few upset people well I hope they can understand that i still will be here in the future to spend more time with them I love my family dearly and even though i get angry soemtimes with certain aspects it does not mean i love you guys any less

more bad news or possibly

i am a little scared right now went to the regular doctor and had my UA urinealysis done and they said they do not suspect infection because ther is a marker that is not there that is key to infection cant remember what that is right now but any how here is the not or maybe not so good news. They found protien in my urine again. This is not the first time and the last time it was found in my urine the doctor or nurse said it was alot and this was before i changed providers and the nurse also asked at the old doc if they set up an appointment with a urologist and i said no they really did not seem concerned about it. so back to today there is protien in there again or still maybe im not sure honestly sometimes they say its normal other times its not but she said depinding on what the test results are after sinding it off to the lab I may be going to a nephrologist AKA a kidney doctor. i have already been though that and do not want to go through it again but the one major thing that scare the crap out of me and I have yet to share this with my PCP and probably should is that around the age of four to six maybe a bit older my doctor at that time which was yet a different one told my mom that i would be a good candidate for dyallisis so yeah I am scared alot.

had a good day

Well despite pain i had a really good day yesterday. despite pain and discomfort i made myself go over to a firends house because they wanted to have me over for my birthday and christmas all together. I had not seen them in almost three months or more again because they have been really busy and i of course following tradition for the past two years have not felt well. i was really nervous about leaving home because of the pain but all in all it went well.
I got a nice new blue sweater and a christmas candle holder and a couple of other thngs from them feel kind of bad though because i usually bring something for them because they said that they would rather have something baked or made for them rather than me bying but i have not really been up to doing much so hoping next time i can make them some banana bread a little late but that does not matter right it is the thoght that counts. i don't want to jynx myself but i am starting to feel better after getting a dose of pain meds in to me last night. i called the ob friday and she was very good to me i just needed a lil something to get me thorugh the end of the pain if i had not gotten it i dont think it would have been the end of it though it is hard to recover after three weeks of steady pain. i am going to the primary monday to ensure that i am not getting a Urinary infection because i have been getting stabbing sooting pains up there but guess what it could be the adhesion too so better safe than sorry lol
Oh yeah i forgot to post i made gingerbread cookies for the kids durring the weeend last week and they had fun i have pictures to post later i forgot to put them up but will as soon as i can

Oh My lord is this seriously how i am going to have to live for the next ten years

I am in horrible pain today. I called the OB and they gave me a perscription for ultram and basically said that was all they could do at this time. Is this what I have to look forward to forever pain and medication to zonk me out so i have no life. They said that the ultram would not put me to sleep but I have odd reactions to meds IBuprophen makes me sleepy at 800 MG. I am due to go back in february i am kind of wondering if there is really a point to going. I just want it all to go away so i can have more than five or six weeks without pain. I hate chronic pelvic pain. my adhesion is pulling alot again and ther is only one hope of relief from that another surgery and i dont see that one happening any time soon not that i want another one . I am just so frustrated. Is it too much to ask for one cycle without pain i guess so when it comes to endometriosis. I am just praying I can get it under control before christmas. I also have to go in for another appointment with my PCP on Monday hope I can make it wihout tears from the pain ugh I would hate to break down in front of someone but when i get the really sharp pains ive been getting i cant help it ugh. this is going to be one long journey and i dont think i am prepared to go thorugh it. I am so exhausted and unable at times to fufill the basic tasks of life
I have plans with a friend tomorrow that i dont feel I can back out of because i have not seen them in three or more months and for some time i was going every weekend. I just hope the pain does not become excruciating while i am there it is sad that i am afraid to leave home because of pain boy do i hate this. One major good thing is that I have not gone and will not go to the ER again for it. I will suffer through it with what I am given and make it be enough. I feel like everyone is basically at a loss of what more to do because they have done the lupron which i will not do again even though the relief was good while it lasted. The side effects and pain of the shots are not worth it for the short relief it offered i am only seven months past my final shot and it will be a year in january since my first one if that makes since a year since starting seven mo9nths since ending.
i will not go for another surgery either until I am older and they can do something more to rid me of the pain. I am not willing to have endo and scar tissue removed to have more return. The only way that i will have another surgery is if it is a medical emergancy or they are prepared to take the reproductive organs completely and they will not do that because i am no where near menopause and hove no living children so it is going to be a living hell for a long time comming well hope this was not too detailed but it is what is going through my mind today and this is my blog where i post things like this because i want others to know what endometriosis is really like it is evel and relentless

Another long and not so good day

Still in pain and now I am having pains that I have not had before but I am still reluctant to go into the OB I dont really want to describe the pains that I am having hee but they are really uncomfortable. I have been struggling to get through those and what does my puppy do but try and run away from me. He actually succeeded and if it were not for a nice passerby I would not have gotten him back. It was horrible I was so scared for him because I live on a mainroad and it is the busiest one ever. SI ran across the road which I will be honest with everyone i do not normally do on my own. I am afraid that no one will stop and i will get hit but I did it and then once i got him back with some help from the nice lady i dont even know her name she left while i was putting the dogs in the house i did get to yell a thank you to her though I wish i knew her name so I could thank her apropriately.
This is the difficult part of having two dogs now. I try to watch them both ond one usually ends up sneaking past me so it is not fun for me it is really very stressful

All about endometriosis and how it makes me feel

my emotions have been fluctuating alot with the pain lately. I am really struggling through it right now. i have had my cycle now for ten days and it is so miserable for me still. I don't really know how rto discribe the pain so that others can understand but I am going to give it a good try here. It is a burning uncomfortable sometimes neasuating pain that just has not left me for the past ten days despite ibuprophen and tylenol it just keeps comming back. I am conflicted right now because I feel that something different may be of more help but I am reluctant to call because I hate medication. I am tired of the struggle but yet still not quite willing to give in. I dont really know if this makes much sense to anyone but this is what is going on inside of me today. i just want to sleep until this pain is over but yet sleep is so difficult. I feel so much pressure in my belly and burning discomfort because of the lovely endometriosis sometimes i wonder how i get through this every eight weeks. i homestly am finding myself wishing that natural menopause would take place now rather than later because with each passong tiem this occurs it is getting worse again. I just feel lost in pain and discomfort right now and I am trying to find the light at the end of this most recent tunnel. Every two months it is like I have to find my way through yet another never endoing tunnel. And then soemtimes the pain lasts for an aditional week after the end of the bleed so it is still quite unpredictable for me. I guesss it is just something I have to get used to and live with which i will admit is not an easy task. some days even a year after diagnosis i still wake up and find myself thinking no this is not really happening It is a dream.
it is very difficult to think that I may never have the oppertunity to have children. I am not ready for that commitment right now but in the future my body may be so dammaged from endo that I can not have children any way. I am still tryng to accept that as well. it is a very confusing emotional road and i am never really able to forget that I have endometrisosis because each tiem I start to have a good quality of life again the pain is back. I am thankful tha tit is not constant but it is still physically and emotionally draining in so many ways.
every single time I have to go for an appointment it requires preoperation to fimd a ride there which in itself is stressful and then just going tot he appointments is anciety producing because of everything i have been through and then not knowing what the nect step is should things get horrible is really hard. i know that it will not be another surgery unless I get really terrible because I told them no more after the first one unless they are absolutely sure that they can remove somehting to rid me of some of the pain. this is a very difficult conditon to live with. because no matter what they do to try and help it will never go away. Even after menopause if I take hormone replacement It could come back because the lesions require estrogen to grow and that is usually in HRT. thinking of all of this really is bery emotional. i know that I have at least another 20 years to deal with it and i sit and wonder now how am I going to get through each aditional episode of pain. this is going to be a long hard road that I am not sure I am fully ready tofight and that is why i only take things moment by moment when I am in these episodes each day that I am able to push though makes me a stronger person.
i will be completely honest I do have people in my family who call me a baby and a whimp and that does really bother me but then I sit and say you knwo what they dont know how i feel they dont know what this pain feels like and then I get angry because they feel that they can judge me without knowing what it all feels like. Most of the tiem when i am in pain like this i am so tired and fetigued I dont want to move my back hurts my legs hurt basically everything from by belly button down inside my pelvis hurts. well i dont know what more to say besides I wish others could be more understanding but I think maye that may be too much to ask of them
I do want to say thank you to all of the great people out there who support me through my blog and thank you to a very loving understanding mom who is asways there when I need a shoulder to cry on or a joke to make me smile i love you so much mom i dont know what I would do without you you have helped me to get throguh every one of these moments and there are not enough words in the world to help me to say thank you and show you how much I apreciate you well i am going to go lie down and try and sleep not sure how that is going to go sorry for the long post but just needed to get a lil of everything out just kind of happens liek that sometimes i am bery proud of myself too the last tiem i went to the docs was to have my bitamin D levels and the other blood work drawn I have been doing fairly well

had a good day so far

I did get to go witht he kids to see santa but guess what neither one of them got their picture taken they didnt want to go near him. I am still in pain but trying to enjoy my day as much as possible we went to cabelas and to lowes and now we need to go get dog food I will post more later

just some thoughts for today

I have been having a tough week this week. i am still in pain. my dad told me he wanted me to keep faith and have my little cousin over tonight so that he and mom can bring them to see santa tomorrow. i really want to go but I dont want to spoil everything for them because I am not feeling well so I am thinking ill probably just stay home and be by myself yet for another day. Having this pain makes me so tired. I dont really know how to ecplain it really. Right now i am kind of at teh point that i wish I could give it to a few people just so they know how i feel every time I have my female issue. I dread it I get angry because i know what is comming. i dont want to feel like this every six weeks and soon it may be back to every month depending on how long the ring is effective for me I have not had very good luck with BCP's and it is basically a birth control pill in a ring form it has the same stuff in it so we shall see
Well any how this morning i was kind of bummed because I was not going to be able to talke a nap and rest and i told my mom that it was going to be a hard day and she said she figured it would be but then another family member was like we all have pain just deal with it. If anyone knows that we all have pain its me um I have had this for ten years now and I know I should be used to it but i dont think that ever happens.
I am getting scared that it is going to come back and be at the same point it was before i had surgery or lupron. It is not fun to be afraid of the pain comming. It changes so quickly last time I had the pain I got through it with no pain medication at all this time i am on ibuprophen and tylenol so I cant help but think wow what is the next time gonna be like. This is a horible condition and it is still managing to take ten days or more from me every time it decides to act up yes it is bette rthan all month long but still it is tough. I know I am complaining and maybe I dont deserve to complain but I feel that very few people really care to hear me. I dont know I am really just very confused and feeling kind of like the lupron and the surgery were not really as effective as we had hoped well i guess that is about all for today

Finally gave in and called the Ob today

I was really kind of nervous to do this because every other time i have called in they have made me go to the ER except twice now this makes th ethird. i called in and explained what was going on and waited for them to call back all the while praying it was not going to be another send me to the ER call thank you lord for answering that prayer she told me to alternate between tylenol and Ibuprophen and if that did not work to call her back and they would give me something stronger but I am good with this it seems to be enough to take the edge off that is all i need. thank you Jenny yes that is the docs name too lol for not shiping me to the ER for my birthday it may be the second one that i have been miserable for but at least i get to be miserable at home where i want to be. I didnt get out of bed much last year on my birthday either because i was still recovering from my surgery so at leas this year is better in that i am not recovering from any form of opperation yay for that there are stilltthings that even a person in pain can be thankful for i am thankful for my family for making my sinday very special for me even though that was the start of the pain i got to enjouy cake and ice cream and family that was great for me now today i am enjoying lots of not wanted time on the couch lol

um happy one year and few day annaversary

yeah I am a little frustrated right now i had a good day for the most part yesterday spent with a little six year old girl whom I have been watching since she was ten days old we had fun until the last three hours of my visit then I started getting pain in my left side again and soem dark bleeding so now I am sitting home today on the couch for the most part trying to get the pain and discomfort under control. What a wonderful gift just before my birthday this will be the second birthday in a row that I have spent in pain unless of cours god gives me a mericle and stops the pain before tomorrow I dont know if he will but I can hope right Boy I miss my pre endo and Pre IC days this process of on and off pain is begining to drive me insane.
I did have a good birthday dinner sunday night and a really good cake despete my pain I ate and then had cake and ice cream and enjoyed time with my mom dad sister neice and nephew oh yeah and my aunt almost forgot she was here because she isnt usually at my house after five in the afternoon lol
My cake was called a lady finger cake it was vinilla cake with another cake similar to angel food stuck to the outside with frosting and it had strawberries in the middle of it yummy tasted mych like a big strawberry short cake and i had vinilla ice cream as i am trying hard to saty away from chocolate but boy i am reminded every time I slip up like this morning mom was like you are going to eat faith's chocolate ice cream well yeah i did and yeah i regret it but it is so hard I have been trying and right now is the worst time to make diet modifications the holidays omg. i have been doing really well with staying away from soda though yet another IC and IBS trigger food I guess it can only be done one thing at a time right. Chocolate is probably the most difficult one for me once I beat the chocolate down it will be easy from there lol

Wow its been a tear

Today has been a day full of conflicting emotions. i have been doing alot of thinking about where i was today a year ago. I was in surgery trying to diagnose my pelvic pain. and wel know the outcome of that was endometriosis. i kind of find it hard to believe that i have made it thorugh an extrememly difficult year. From surgery to lupron and beyond. i would not want to relive this year but i realize what a strong person i truly am to have gotten thorugh that long year. i am thankful for so much right now my mom for always being there to listen when i was in excruciating pain, The family that came through for me to help take care of me before surgery auntie cheryl is the one who took care of me before surgery and brought me in thanks for thart hug i will never forget it I was so scared.thank you to two wonderful doctors kalli veraklis and jenny Phfhal for doing my surgery and for everything you have both done to help me all thorugh the year. All of my family for the smiles you helped me to have through one of if not the toughest year of my life i love you all for everything. It is really hard to imagine the pain i was in with the endo a year ago and to realize that now i only have severe pain when i have a bleed. I dread it but you know its a part of being a femal. i am still dreadfully afraid of the day that eh pain reoccurs because there is always a possibilityuntil i go through the change of life well that is about the big news for today and thank you to all of my wonderful followers for all of the support over the year.

another long awaited appointment finally done

I got my permanant crown today finally ive been working on getting it since april i believe never knew one thing could take so long lol. I am very happy because it was not tow hours in the chair this time yay. that is definately a good thing because my bladder is being awful today and the horible thing is I have not had caffine or anything in over a week. so i really dont know whats up this time i guess the flare of pain is just my luck lately lol I will get through it though sheila i hope you and your family had a great thanksgiving and steph and brendan as well

Wow the med regiment changes yet again

i dont know if i posted but the day before thanks giving i had some lab test drawn well they were all normal except having a mild bitamin D deficiency so yeah needless to say it is another pill for me to take and then have more labs drawn for vit D in 3 to six months. so tired it does not matter how hard i try to keep away from more meds i end up on more.
I am still in pain alot but my bowels are doing better now and the endometriosis pain is still good now it is just getting the bladder pain and discomfort under control. The doc told me to come back in if I felt i needed to I do but yet I dont want to go back in so i am having a fight with myself lol. I dont want to put any more stress on my family i feel like i have been stressing them enough with everything lately. i dont like that feeling at all. I wish i could be more independant but with no drivers liscence that is not an easy task nearly impossible and trust me I have treid on mor ethan one occasion.