comming to the realization

a few years after graduating high school i got to thinking about the phrase mom always said to me about the fact that if people could not accept me that i did not need them as friends. I finally realized she was right and in that aspect life has been much better.
As i said before i have the few friends who accepted me as me even with my diffferences and realized that inside i was a great person and those are the poople who really matter. It took me a long time to accept this and wow now that i have it is so much easier. I do not cry nearly as much and i am more able to say well if that is how you want to be than fine. I don't even know what caused me to come to the realization but whatever it was weather it be my maturity kicking im or my acceptance of the stupidity of others i am glad that it finally happened.

coping with the reactions

At this point in my life i was still a high school student wanting acceptance. I was not getting that from too many people. I was in a situation where my ed tech or aide would help other people with things that they needed assistance on and they would interact with me in her presence but other than that i had very few friends who would interact with me on their own terms until i started going to all of my classes on my own and asking friends for their assistance. That is basically how i met the few friends that i have today most of which i have litt;e contact with.
There were still many others that would walk by me and laugh or stare or make thier particular rude comment. there were also others that thought i was cool because i had biggger books. That was ok i guess but all i really wanted to do was fit in. It was tough to cope with the reactions and frustrations of things like that. Things have changed alot since graduating now i will move on to the part of my life i am in now. the issues of being 23 and the present

PT

This is one of the least favorite things about having CP I must say. the PT's said that it was supposed to help and make me feel better but i felt that it hurt me and it was really uncomfortable for me. I hated the isolation too but the discomfort was just sometimes overwheming. After each session i would havr alot of sppasms even though it was supposed to streach my muscles to prevent this.
I had some PT's who listened when i said it was begining to get uncomfortable and would change the plan for a bit from streaching to balance and other things but most of them just told me that they did not think it was that uncomfortable and kept going. I hated that because it was my body and when i said it was uncomfortable i think it was right?
I think my body and mind knows what it feels they can't because it is not happening to them. Now luckly i can do the streaching myself and it is not nearly as uncomfortable because i take it slowly and work up to being able to streach my leg muscles freely.

OT

I liked Ot for the most part. There were some things that i hated. we did gluing and cutting and alot of things to improve fine and gross motor skills. I did not like glueing because i hated how it felt to touch. Other than that i liked doing it I did alot of braiding that was really tough for me but i liked a chalange. Most things in life have been tough for us with CP so whats a little chalange here and there? I did not like the testing that came with those programs though because it was very tireing and some of the things even in the end were challanging. I could not draw a diomand for the longest time. and cutting is still tough for me to a certain extent.

The depression following surgery

when i was going through the surgery and recovery I got really depressed. It was really tough because i could not leave the house and after a few weeks of not seeing my friends at school it got really tough.
I remember having some depression before that but this was worse than anything it is tough not to get depressed when you feel isonlated most of the time. I was glad that i finally got to go back to school.

the dreaded S word

My orthopedic doctor talked about surgery freequently but he needed to wait for my muscles and tendons to stop growing before her could proceed with what he felt would be the most helpful of surgical options for my particular case.
I had what is called a tendon transfer surgery on my left foot and ankle area. they split the stronger tendon and put soem of it on one side and some on the other side of my foot by cutting it down the middle. It was very very painful. I was in a chair for three weeks or so then i went to a walker. I missed four or five weeks of school and went back just in time to take my final exams my sophmore year. I had to keep up on my work the entire time too because i did not want to retake my sophmore classes when i was a junior because that would have been harder than keeping up on the work it would have been twice the work load.
It was a long recovery for me i was stuck in the hous alot and it was done in may and the cast stayed on until july. It made for a long borring depressing summer. I am glad that was the only surgery that i had done for the CP. My teachers were amazed to see me come back to school the end of that year. I told them i was going to but i guess they did not think i was going to. One more time of many that i proved everyone wrong.

Bracing explained

I do not remember when exactly i started wearing braces but i can deffinately discribe the process for those who do not know what it is all about. Well first let me also explain the two types of Braces that i wore through the years. They were both AFO'S ankle foot orthotis I think is what it meant. either that or Orthotics i dont remember all of the medical wording.
One of the Braces that i wore was metal and it attatched to the bottom of my shoe underneath the sole and went to the knee. It had a joint like my ankle so that i could walk. It was heavey and it was in the begining only on one leg. Around the time i was in eight grade the orthopedic decided to put them on both legs. That was tough and i hated every minute of it. that is when i decided to change to the other type of brace. It still had the same name but it was made from plastic and alot lighter.
I did not really like the plastic because of sweating and the fact that it enclosed my leg except for the front which had straps over the knee area and ankle to hold my legs and feet into them. The only benifit was that they were much lighter when i had them on both legs and it made it much easier to move.

The fitting process
Well this was intersting for me with the sensory issues that go along with CP. They wrap the limbs in plaster from the knee to the toes and then wait for it to harden then they remove it and begin the process of molding plastic to the contours of the limbs. Well while they did this it was witing for me a few weeks or so.
Then came the actual time to try them on. I would put my foot into them and try to explain where the uncomfortable spots were. kind of tough for a youngster actually and then they would trim them down until they fit comfortably which sometimes took more than one trip. They would think they got all of the uncomfortable areas and then i would start getting skin breakdown so back we would go. It is quite a process.
Needless to say i had a great relationship with the man who made them. Out of the doctors i met he was one of my personal best. He took the time to ensure everything was ok before he sent me on my way.

More medical Casting explained

As I said in a previous post I had Cereal casting two or three times when i was in my younger years. Cereal casting is where they put casts on the more severely affected limb in this case it is my left leg to help straighten and reposition muscles and streach them.
I hated this because i was young and dealthly afraid of the loud cast saw that they use to get thim off. I have visual impairment which makes my hearing much more sensitive than most. I am not sure but this could be the case with most with CP. this is what caused my fractures on my heal because it softened the bones and i got bumped with a door shortly after so i had to go right back into another cast while it healed.

Some of the medical stuff

Well every since i can remember Doctors have been a mojor part of my life. that is not really my favorite thing.
When i was younger they tested my kidneys alot because i got alot of urinary infections and they wanted to make sure that they were not damaging them. I still get them but it is not nearly as freequent. Kidney testing meant alot of blood draws yuck.
I went through casting when i was younger which i will explain in its own post. after that i got a fracture in my heel that required being injected with some type of dye that showed on x ray so they could find the fracture.
I also had to go through alot of appointments with the orthopedic and the other person who make my braces. I was also more prone to being sick from being born early i guess because evry time someone around me got sick i ended up with it. For quite some time i was on an antibiotic that i had to take twice a day. I hated that. I used to run and hide lol. At least it kept me from getting sick so much.

The last bit on school

Wel as i said school was tough for me for many reasons with needing assistance in class to being separated from my peers even though it was for safety to the name calleng. It was so hard for me to figure out why some people are like that. Now i know that it is how this world is.
As i aged I really just came to block out everything that people were saying if it was not nice or something that hurt me. It was tough to make friends but i did have quite a few who accepted me for me and for those i am thankful
GraduationWell after four long years graduation finally arrived. It was a nerve racking time for me. I was nervous just because of the normal jitters bu also had to worry about the unfarmilliar surroundings so i did not fall and get hurt.
I had a friend who i will call my little helper. Her name is Ally. My mom was going to help me get situated in the correct line and place but then ally came along and said that she would help
I was very thankful for that because it is kind of awkward to have to accept help from mom infront of all of my peers
Project Graduation
I went to project graduation because it was an oppertunity that i chose not to miss out on. I do not regret going but there was not too much that i could do. ther ewere alot of sports and other things but nothing that i was really Physically capable of doing. I did have a cartoon drawing of myself done. Other than that i sat and talked to ally. It was a long night but i had fun. except not being able to participate much.
I hope that classes who have project graduaton in the future will think of more activities that will accomadate the physically disabled if they are capable of going. I am glad that i like to sociallize because if not it would have bbeen a borring night.

Some info about the good classes and teachers

I have been talking about negitive stuff with my experience in fine crafts class. Well i had so many good teachers and experiences with teachers that it is tough to talk about all of them.
In high school and throughout it took a special teacher to know how to handle my situation and i had some who knew. there were only a few that it came to as natural. Here is one experience
I had to take government and Economics as a requirement for graduation because even though i was considered special needs i was in regular classes so I was expected to meet all requirements for graduation accept the forign language requirement.
Here is the story. I would walk into my class and sit down and she would have everything ready for me before class even began. I was supposed to have a copy of board notes and all of my work enlarged so it was easier to read because of my visual impairment.
I have to say that this particular teacher is the only one who took the oppertunity to learn how to do that. It gave me independance because i did not have to call upon my aide each time i needed something enlarged in that class at least.

Fine crafts in high school

I was a senior when i took this particular class. As the high school years went on My aide was doing soe other things with others who needed help because i had a group of people in each class who would assist me with things i needed help with.
On this particular day i was in my class and i was making a stained glass piece. The teacher showed me how to use th soddering irion. I told her that i needed help because i did not feel comfortable doing that without assistance. she said that i could do it on my own and the friend that usually helpped me out was not at school on that day.
I tried to do it on my own and ended up buring myself not seriously thankfully. I did finish the piece but only soddered one side of it and then wnet to the clinic for ice after class.
This is just an experience that i had where a teacher thought she knew me better than i knew myself.

As I always say we know our limitations if we ask for asistance give it. If not leave us alone.

the four longest years of school

High scool was a very long adventure for me with good times and bad ones. Freshmen year was again rough because i did not know my expextations and it took a long time to adjust to everything. I Still recieve PT but not OT abd this was tough because i was taken from my fourth period class eack day for a half hour. In my high school we have 84 minute periods rather than the eight shorter periods like we had in middle school, So missing thirty minutes meant you missed alot of information.
Another issue that was tough for me to adjust to were the longer periods of sitting because in middle school my teachers would let me walk up and down the hall outside of the classroom to streatch my muscles to keep from getting to stiff and uncofortable. That very useful and helpful oppertunity disapeared in high school because if a teacher saw you in the hall qith no adgenda signed than it was not good. I did get to go for some walks with My aide when she had to go do something and i had no work to do but let me tell you that was not often.
I spent most of my time doing my studies because high school is even harder to keep up in than the lower grades. There is so much homework and assignments looking back i really do not see how i did it. I guess it is probably what most of us with CP call the amazing CP strength. I will be piosting more on the experiences i had in high school under different titles. I remember these times more than any other nut wanted to try and give every one a view of each aspect of life with CP. Oh and to let everyone know i graduated with honors. I have always strived to do my best. that was probably one of the hardest things i have done. I graduated in 2004 thankfully it is over.

being eliminated from certain classes

Middle school was so different. this was the begining of me really starting to feel segregated from my peers. As i said i was taken from some of my regular classes for PT And OT. This was The year that I Started having adaptive PE class which i understand was for my own safety and Am fine with it but it was a tough adjustment.
also Industrial arts was begun at this time. I could not do this class because of my visual impairment. I completely understand that now that i am twenty three and understand my limitations there. I was really frustrated and angry though because i felt like i was being taken from my class mates and it was hard.
I was offered a one on one cooking time with my aide or a study hall to keep up on my work instead. It was helpful but there were so many questions that i got asked like where were you durring IA. and i would have to explain andpeople would tell me what i was missing and that made it kind of tough.
It was a major adjustment with alot of changes. this is tough on any person but especially so on someone who needs assistance and is put into a new situatin with new people.

The transition Elementary to middle school

As I grew older and realized how most people wee being toward me it became harder for me to feel like i fit in. Middle school was especially tough because everything was bew including my aide. I had the same one through most of my elementary years excpt for a year and a half.After i finished fifth grade she decided to stay at my elementary school with another child who also has CP.
this was really hard on me. I was very upset for most of that summer and then i just started to acccept the idea and the first day of sixth grade cam. I remember the feelings like it were yesterday. I woke up and i felt really scared. I felt very sick to my stomach and wanted to stay home with mom.
I went back to being very clingy as mom calls it at home and school both. For a coouple of days i would not talk even to my aide, And it took longer for me to talk to anyone else. After like a month i was finally able to talk with the teachers. I knew by this time that I had cerebral palsy and it made me different than my peers in most of my abilities accept mentally. I walk differently, sometimes talk differently especially when i get tired and i also see differently. People started to pick up on that alot more in middle school and most of them acted more as helpers to me than friends. the help was great because i developed more independance. And as the year went on i made friends a few very special ones.

ally is one that comes to micd she was different from the moment i met her. she was quiet kind and willing to listen. and to her thank you so much for taking the time to get t know me and keeping in touch through.

Also angel who i still talk to over the phone and computer now. You know what it is like to be different and the difficulties. It was so easy for me to relate with you. You were always willing to losten. You have beeen one of my best friends through thick and thin thanks.

When school started getting tough

I loved school for the most part up until i was in the fifth grade. That seems to be when most people and most of all I started to realize that i was not the same as everyone else. I knew i had to wear braces on my legs before then but it did not matter to me or anyone else.
Once i hit third grade i could not tie my shoes and all of my classmates could that was my first realization. After that the questions started comming. that is around the time when people could ocasionally find me in the halls without my aide because I was becomming more independant and could fully button and zipper on my own.
I fould that people oddly enough waited for me to be in the bathroom befre they would actualy ask me what was wrong. I Don't mind the curiosity byt the thing that got me was why in the bathroom and why could they not ask me in the presence of someone who could help me to ecplain things.
I was always told you have CP and that is what i told everyone. they were like okay well what is that. that is a question that i could not answer then. Once i told them that i had something it was almost like i had something that they were going to get. Well for most I had special friends who accepted me for me from day one but for most it was a task to try and fit in. Those special people i hope you know who you are The one that comes to my mind right off from elementary is Angie. And to her I would like to say thanks for being a friend and i wish when we reached middle schoo we were not separated. I am thankful that i met you and you treated me as an equal.

Preschool years

Well these were the good years school wise any how.
I went to two full years of head start. My mom and sisters were very involved in that I had a wonderful teacher named sue. After the two years of head start i went to a daycare for the Physically disabled (wording not intended to be offensice)
Durring this time i was recieving in home PY and OT along with some other services. I do not remember all of them. I did not mind PT or Ot durring this time. They tended to incorperate it into playor the daily activities that i was doing. Everyone just seemed to accept me and did not care that i was different. At this time i am not even sure i realized that i was different than others,

The begining

I was born on december seventh. I was a thirty two week preemie baby. Mom started leaking water when i was sic months along. The doctor said that it was Mom urinating herself. By the time i was born mom had an ifection and i had to be taken emergency C section.
I spent time in the NICU as mosyt early babies do. I came home on New years and weighed three pounds ten ounces and that is what i weighed when i was born. I was hospitalized again for phenominia.
Once the time came for me to start meeting milestones mom noticed i was not meeting them on time. I was late to do most things and i never walked until i was almost three years old.At 18 months i was diagnosed with spastic dipligia cerebral palsy after many appointments to rule out other issues that is when the battle started. I do not know where i would be if I did not have my mom. She is a very special person.